Fun - Joke - Game

2010-08-14T01:14:00.000-07:00

Let us be generous like this :
Four ppl are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

1st says : we should KILL him.
...2nd says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
3rd says : No, we will just throw him away from our path..
4th says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

A Blind Girl.

2010-08-04T02:52:00.000-07:00

here was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated
everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She
told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off,
she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl
looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed
eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at
them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:
'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before
they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a
very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their
side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has
nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's
crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early
to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the
same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your
face and think: you're alive and still around.

Don't order cakes by telephone

2010-07-15T23:48:00.001-07:00

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It reads ``You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"

GOD MAKE ME A TV ...!!

2010-05-31T01:53:00.000-07:00

A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them... At the end of the day, while marking the essays,she read one that made her very emotional.

Her husband, who had just walked in, saw her crying and asked her:- 'What happened?'

She answered- 'Read this. It is one of my students' essay.'

'Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special :
Make me into a television. I want to take its place and live like the TV in my house.
Have my own special place, And have my family around ME.
To be taken seriously when I talk....
I want to be the center of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions.
I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives even when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...
And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least, ensure that I can make them all happy and entertain them...
Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like a TV.'

At that moment the husband said :- 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!'

The wife looked up at him and said:- 'That essay is our son's !!!

Letter from SARDARJI TO MR. BILL GATES OF MICROSOFT

2010-05-06T03:12:00.000-07:00

subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button.. We request you
to check this.

2.. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he
ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we
can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only
're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the
door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was
unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt ' Microsoft word ' now he wants to learn ' Microsoft
sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon
which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a
single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is ' MICROSOFT OFFICE ' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the
PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past
Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My
Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office
hours.

Regards,

SARDARJI

Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Confident vs.. confidential

2010-05-05T02:44:00.002-07:00

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

Brother wanted

2010-05-05T02:44:00.001-07:00

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, “send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"......

Losing all your friends

2010-05-05T02:43:00.000-07:00

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.

To be a Manager [ IT joke ]

2010-03-22T02:42:00.000-07:00

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one handvand a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa,Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."

Just Some Good Humour +16

2010-03-19T02:43:00.001-07:00

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you,

it's only when you leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!

Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror is when both are pregnant!

Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.

And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?

To see if you really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?

Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again with same perfection.

Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks

And then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?

Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone

Is still getting screwed!

This week is Breast Awareness Week.

Spread the slogan .......

"We stare because we care!"

The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.

The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.

He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!

Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?

Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?

Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?

Tit-Bits.

And if it bursts in a man's underwear?

Banana split.

What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?

In a bomb blast, population decreases

BUT in a condom blast, population increases.

THE OLD MOTOR

2010-03-15T20:35:00.001-07:00

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,

'Thisis amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!'

2010-03-11T21:33:00.003-08:00

1) அடிமைக்கும், கொத்தடிமைக்கும் என்ன வித்தியாசம்?
ஒரு பெண்ணைக் காதலிக்கும் பொது நீங்க அடிமை....
அதுவே அந்த பெண்ணையே கல்யாணம் பண்ணிடீங்கன்னா நீங்க கொத்தடிமை....

2) நேரு சொன்னார்: சோம்பேறித்தனமே மிகப் பெரிய எதிரி.....
காந்தி சொன்னார்: உங்கள் எதிரிகளையும் நேசியுங்கள்....
இப்ப சொல்லுங்க... மாமா சொல்றத கேக்குறதா? இல்ல தாத்தா சொல்றத கேக்குறதா?

3) காதல் எங்கே பிறந்தது என்று தெரியுமா?......
சீனாவுல தான் பிறந்தது.....
ஏனெனில் Anything made in China is NO GURANTEE & NO WARRANTY.

4) ஒரு முறை நியூட்டன் அவருக்கு 17 வயதில் வகுப்பறையில் படித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கும் போது ஒரு பாம்பு அவருடைய கால் விரலில் கடித்துவிட்டது. அப்போதும் அவர் அதை கண்டு கொள்ளாமல்
தொடர்ந்து படித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறார். ஆசிரியர் இது பற்றி கேட்கும்போது, " பாம்பு என் காலில்தான் கடித்தது, என்னுடைய Mind 'ல் அல்ல" என்கிறார். இதைத்தான் நாம் "வெட்டி ஸீன்"
போடுவது என்கிறோம்....

5) நபர் - 1: ஹோடேலில் சாப்பிட்டுவிட்டுப் பார்க்கிறேன், கையில் காசு இல்லை.....
நபர் - 2: அய்யய்யோ... அப்புறம் என்ன பண்ணுனீங்க?..
நபர் - 1: அப்புறம் பாக்கெட்'ல இருந்து எடுத்துக் கொடுத்துட்டேன்....

6) மூன்று மொக்கைகள்: a) நைட்'ல கொசு கடிச்சா குட்நைட் வைக்கலாம்.. அதுவே மார்னிங்'ல கடிச்சா குட் மார்னிங் வைக்க முடியுமா?
b) பேப்பர் போடுறவன் பேப்பர்காரன், பால் போடுறவன் பால்காரன், அப்பா பிச்சை போடுறவன் பிச்சைக் காரனா?
c) எல்லா stage'லயும் டான்ஸ் ஆடலாம்.. ஆனா கோமா stage 'ல டான்ஸ் ஆட முடியுமா?

7) ஒன்றுமே தெரியாத ஸ்டுடென்ட் கிட்ட கொஸ்டின் பேப்பர் கொடுக்குறாங்க...
எல்லாம் தெரிஞ்ச வாத்தியார்கிட்ட ஆன்சர் பேப்பர் கொடுக்குறாங்க...
என்ன கொடும சார் இது?....

8) காதல் என்பது கரண்ட் போன நேரத்துல வர கொசு மாதிரி...
தூங்கவும் முடியாது... தூரத்தவும் முடியாது....

9) என்னதான் நீங்க செண்டிமெண்ட் பார்த்தாலும், கப்பல் கெளம்பறதுக்கு முன்னாடி எலுமிச்சம் பலம் எல்லாம் வைக்க முடியாது... சங்கு ஊதிவிட்டுதான் கெளம்பனும்...

10) நான் ஒன்னு சொல்லுவேன்... எழுந்திருச்சு ஓடக்கூடாது...
சொல்லட்டுமா?
பெருமாள் கோவில்'ல சுண்டல் போடுறாங்க...
ஹே...ஹே.. நில்லுங்க... எங்க ஓடுறீங்க?....

11) True GK Facts:
** அண்டார்டிக்காவில் ஒரு மரம் கூட இல்லை.
** ஹவாய் தீவில் ஒரு பாம்பு கூட இல்லை.
** பிரான்ஸ் நாட்டில் ஒரு கொசு கூட இல்லை.
** என் தெருவில் ஒரு பிகர் கூட இல்லை. என் கவலை இங்கு யாருக்கு புரிகிறது?.....

12) ஜனவரி - 14 க்கும், பிப்ரவரி - 14 க்கும் என்ன வித்தியாசம்?
ஒரு பொண்ணு பொங்கல் கொடுத்த அது ஜனவரி - 14 !
அதே பொண்ணு அல்வாக் கொடுத்தா அது பிப்ரவரி - 14 !!

13) மனைவி: ஏங்க... கொஞ்சம் வாங்க... குழந்த அழுவுது...
கணவன்: அடி செருப்பால! ... உன்னை எவண்டி மேக்-அப் இல்லாம குழந்தைப் பக்கத்துல போக சொன்னது?

14) உங்ககிட்ட பிடித்ததே இந்த 5 தான்!
1. சிரிப்பு
2. அழகு
3. நல்ல டைப்
4. கொழந்த மனசு...
5. இதெல்லாம் பொய்'ன்னு தெரிஞ்சும் நம்புற நல்ல மனசுபாவம்....

15) அப்பா: ஏண்டா உஜாலா பாட்டில கீழ போட்டு தாண்டிகிட்டு இருக்குற?
மகன்: எங்க ஸ்கூல்'ல நாளைக்கு நீளம் தாண்டுற போட்டி இருக்கு. அதுக்கு தான் பிராக்டீஸ் பண்ணி கிட்டு இருக்கேன்.

16) முதல் காதலில் ஜெய்த்தவனுக்கு அதுதான் கடைசி வெற்றி....
முதல் காதலில் தோற்றவனுக்கு அதுதான் கடைசி தோல்வி....

17) தத்துவம் 2010
"லாரி"ல கரும்பு ஏத்துனா "காசு"!
"கரும்பு"ல லாரிய ஏத்துனா "ஜூசு"!!
இதெல்லாம் ஒரு மெசேஜ்'ன்னு படிக்குற நீங்க ஒரு "-------" ஆமாங்க.. அதான்... அதேதான்....

18) அப்பா: நேத்து ராத்திரி பரிச்சைக்கு படித்தேன்னு சொன்ன, ஆனா உன் ரூம்'ல லைட்டே எரியல?
மகன்: படிக்குற இன்ட்ரெஸ்ட்ல அதை எல்லாம் நான் கவனிக்கலப்பா!

19) எல்லா நாளும் ஒரே மாதிரி இருக்குமா??? ?
?
?
?
?
?
?
4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4
4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4
4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4
நல்லா பார்த்துக்குங்க... எல்லா "நாளும்" ஒரே மாதிரி இருக்கா?...........

Missing Wife Joke

2010-02-28T21:55:00.000-08:00

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:

Man: I lost my wife (misty eyes)

Inspector: What is her height

Man: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy

Man: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eyes

Man: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair

Man: Changes according to season

Inspector: What was she wearing

Man: Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly

Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????

Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the man started crying…..

Inspector: Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!! !

Darn Kids They know everything

2010-02-18T03:22:00.000-08:00

Mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,

"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks,

"How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,

"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an ' F ' in sex."

Little Johnny the Smart Salesman

2010-02-16T03:58:00.001-08:00

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

LITTLE JOHNNY AND PROPER GRAMMAR

2010-02-16T03:17:00.001-08:00

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*** beautiful!"

Sex Life

2010-02-16T01:52:00.001-08:00

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window".

A Nice Story about Love

2010-02-15T23:23:00.000-08:00

A Nice Article about Love
-by Swami Vivekananda

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me.

Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.

This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... And just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .

For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."

Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....

Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!

Shit, I missed

2010-02-15T22:41:00.001-08:00

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

It could have been worse

2010-02-11T23:02:00.001-08:00

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Clinton`s secret box

2010-02-09T03:45:00.000-08:00

Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th Anniversary. All 25 years Bill has kept a large box under his side of the bed. He asked Hillary never to look in his box, and so she obeyed. But, on the morning of their 25th, she couldn`t stand the suspense any longer. She opened the box and there were three empty beer cans and $1800 cash. She closed the box and put it back.

At dinner, she looks to Bill and says, "Bill, I never looked in your box all 25 years, but I had to look today. The suspense was killing me. Though, I`m confused. Why three beer cans and $1800?"

He looks at her a few moments then tells her. "Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I kept an empty beer can."

Hillary still looks puzzled." Ok Bill, I know the three times you were unfaithful. I`m hurt but that`s over with, But why $1800?"

Bill says," Well, every time the box got full, I went to recycling and kept the money."

Black eyes

2010-02-09T02:00:00.000-08:00

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Welcome to America

2010-02-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

எப்பூடி….

2010-02-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

மாடு போல சின்னதா இருக்கும்! ஆனா அது மாடு இல்ல! அது என்ன?

தெரியலையா?
அது கண்ணுக் குட்டி! கடவுளே ஏன் என்னை இவ்வளவு அறிவாளியாப் படைச்சே?

எதுக்காக இந்தியா பூராவும், போஸ்ட் மேன் போட்ருக்காங்க?
ஏன்னா போஸ்ட் வுமன் போட்டா டெலிவரி ஆக பத்து மாதம் ஆகும்.

தண்ணில இருந்து ஏன் மின்சாரம் எடுக்கிறார்கள்?
அப்படி எடுக்கவில்லை என்றால் குளிக்கும்போது ஷாக் அடிக்கும்.

தினமும் உன் மனைவிக்கு பூ வாங்கிட்டுப் போறியே.. அவ்வளவு பாசமா மனைவி மேல?
மாப்ளே! பாசம் மனைவி மேலே இல்லடா... பூக்காரி மேல!

டீச்சர்: மகாகவி பாரதி தெரியுமா?
சார். மகா, கவி, பாரதி மூணு பேருமே செம பிகர்!

யார் டைம் நமக்காக காத்திருக்காது என்று சொன்னது?

கடிகாரத்தில் பேட்டரியை எடுத்துவிட்டுப் பாருங்கள்! டைம் எப்போதும் உங்களுக்காக காத்திருக்கும். தின்க் டிபறேன்ட்லி!!

இன்பத்திலும் சிரிங்க! துன்பத்திலும் சிரிங்க! எல்லா நேரமும் சிரிங்க! அப்பத்தான் நீங்க
லூசுன்னு எல்லாரும் நம்புவாங்க!!

ஏன் பாட்டி என் மேல இவ்வளவு பாசமா இருக்க?
நீதாண்டா பேராண்டி நாளைக்கு எனக்கு கொல்லி போடணும்!
போ பாட்டி! எனக்கு நாளைக்கு ஸ்கூல் இருக்கு! இன்னைக்கே கொல்லி வச்சுரவா?

பஸ் ரூட்ல பஸ் போகும், ட்ரைன் ரூட்ல ட்ரைன் போகும்! பீட் ரூட்ல என்ன போகும்?
தெரிஞ்சா எனக்கு SMS பண்ணுங்க!

அம்மா! எதிர்வீட்ல இருக்குற ஆண்டி பேரு என்னமா?
சரோஜா! ஏன் கேக்குற?
அப்புறம் ஏம்மா அப்பா டார்லிங்குன்னு கூப்பிடறாரு?

பல்ப் - எடிசன்
ரேடியோ - மார்கோனி
பை-சைக்கிள் - மேக் மில்லன்
போன் - க்ராஹாம் பெல்
க்ராவிடி - நியூட்டன்
கரண்ட் - பாரடே
எக்ஸாம் - அவன்தான் சிக்க மாட்றான்! சிக்கினா செத்தான்!!

காதலில் எத்தனை முறை தோற்றாலும் பெரிய விசயமல்ல!
ஒரு முறை ஜெய்த்து பார்த்தால்தான் தெரியும்! தோல்வியே எவ்வளவோ
பரவாயில்லை என்று!!

அதிக நேரம் உன் அழகை கண்ணாடியில் பார்க்காதே!
உன் அழகைப் பார்த்து கண்ணாடிக்கும் உன் மேல் காதல் வரும்!!

மூணு பேரு ஒரு பைக்ல போயிட்டு இருக்காங்க! அப்ப ஒரு டிராபிக் போலீஸ் கை
காட்டி நிறுத்தசொல்றாரு!
அப்ப பைக்ல இருந்த ஒருத்தன் ரொம்ப கோவமா "யோவ்! ஏற்கனவே மூணு பேரு
உட்கார்ந்து இருக்குறோம்! இதுல நீ எங்க உட்காருவ?" என்று கேட்டான். இது எப்படி இருக்கு?

டாக்டர்: உங்க உடம்ப குறைக்க தினமும் நான்கு மைல் நடக்கணும்!
பேசன்ட்: சரி டாக்டர்! நாளைக்கே நான்கு மயில் வாங்கி நடக்க வைக்கிறேன்!!

ஹலோ! என்னதான் கம்ப்யூட்டர் விண்டோவ்லா உலகமே தெரிஞ்சாலும் எதிர் வீட்டு
பொண்ணு தெரியுமா?
------ பில் கேட்ஸ் ஐ விட ஒரு படி மேலே யோசிப்போர் சங்கம்.

அப்பா: ஏண்டா உங்க ஸ்கூல்ல ரன்னிங் ரேஸ் இருக்குன்னு சொன்னியே, என்னாச்சி?
மகன்: அத ஏன் கேக்குறப்பா, எனக்கு பயந்து எல்லா பசங்களும் எனக்கு முன்னாடியே
ஓடி போய்டாங்க!!

management & engineers

2010-02-05T02:06:00.000-08:00

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.

"How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!

blonde alligator

2010-02-04T08:43:00.000-08:00

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Fishing

2010-01-11T01:53:00.001-08:00

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s#!t."

ரயில் பெட்டி

2009-11-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

சர்தார்ஜி ஒருத்தர் நாளேடு ஆசிரியரா வேலை செஞ்சிகிட்டு இருக்கார

ஒரு முறை, ரயில்வே துறையில் என்னென்ன மேம்பாடுகள் செய்யலாம்

என்கிற தலைப்புல ஆலோசனைகள் சொல்றதுக்காக, ரயில்ல மும்பை

போயிட்டிருக்காரு.

அவரோட பெட்டி ரயில் வண்டியின் கடைசிப் பெட்டி. கடைசிப்

பெட்டிங்கிறதுனால ஆட்டம் ரொம்ப அதிகமா இருக்குது

அதோட தூக்கி தூக்கி போடுது. ரொம்ப கடுப்பாகிப் போன சர்தார்ஜி

மும்பை போனதும் ரயில்வே துறையினருக்கு கொடுத்த

ஒரே ஆலோசனை

“எந்த ஒரு ரயில் வண்டியிலேயும் கடைசி பெட்டியே இருக்கக் கூடாது”

2009-11-10T02:09:00.000-08:00

கல்யாணத்தை பத்து நாள்லே முடிச்சுடணும்னு சொல்றீங்களே,

மாப்பிள்ளைக்கு அவ்வளவுதான் லீவு கிடைச்சுதா?

இல்லே. . .அவ்வளவு நாள்தான் ஜாமீன்ல இருக்கமுடியும்!

காதலி; எனக்கு ஒரு சத்தியம் செஞ்சு கொடுக்கணும்!

காதலன்; என்ன?

காதலி; என்னோட கல்யாணத்துக்கு கண்டிப்பா வருவீங்கன்னு!

ஜெயிலுக்குப் போயும் நம்ம தலைவருக்கு புத்தி வரலை!

எப்படி சொல்றே?

ஜெயில்ல இருந்த காலி கிரவுண்டை வளைச்சுப் போட்டுட்டாராம்!

மனைவி: ஏங்க உங்க நண்பர்கிட்ட பொண்ணு நல்லாருக்குன்னு பொய் சொன்னீங்க?

கணவன்: எனக்கு பொண்ணுபார்க்கும்போது மட்டும் உண்மையாச் சொன்னான்!!

Letter to his son

2009-11-10T00:49:00.000-08:00

Udurawana was writting something verey slowly.
A friend came and asked.
"Why are you writing so slowly?"
Udurawana replies;
"Im writing to my 6 years old son... he can't read very fast"

Press

2009-11-10T00:46:00.000-08:00

On a political rally udurawana was arrested.
Why?

A woman journalist was walking with the word"PRESS"On it and he did it......

LITTLE JOHNNY: A DROP IN THE BUCKET

2009-11-05T02:12:00.000-08:00

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water

Hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,

And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Score Board ( 18+ Only Joke )

2009-11-04T01:09:00.000-08:00

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.

Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.

So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

FOREIGNER

2009-11-01T04:17:00.000-08:00

After returning from a foreign trip,Udurawana asked his wife,
Do I Look Like a foreigner?
WIFE;No,Why?
Udurawana;in London a lady asked me "Are you a foreigner"

ESSAY

2009-11-01T03:30:00.000-08:00

The English teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a cricket match.All were busy writing except Udurawana

He has written "Due To Rain,No Match...."

Nice Story.....Interesting

2009-10-21T02:58:00.000-07:00

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The
Letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,

" Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing.I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahahaha

Call to technical support:

2009-10-16T02:52:00.001-07:00

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller: Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture.

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !

2009-10-16T02:46:00.000-07:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Kathmandu Mall, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 9,099,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day

Jokes

2009-10-09T01:54:00.000-07:00

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.

If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me, Sir.

Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Ah Kow: No comb, Sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?"
" They are all below 'C' (sea) level!"

Dumbest kid

2009-09-28T23:12:00.001-07:00

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,

Then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Cheating

2009-09-28T04:27:00.000-07:00

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

The Barber

2009-09-24T03:32:00.000-07:00

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Sardar Jokes

2009-09-24T03:26:00.000-07:00

Sardar proposed a Girl...... Girl said Im 1yr elder to you........... Sardar said Oye No Problem Soniye,Ill marry you NEXT YEAR.

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister....

Sardar on phone "Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now". Doctor: Is this her first child? Sardar: No this is her husband speaking.....

One day one boy and girl late to school. Teacher Asked Girl why were late, Girl: Sir i have lost my 1 rupee coin on the way while i am coming to school, i had searched for that for that i got late. Teacher asked boy why were u late, Boy says i am i am standing on that coin to hide.

teacher says; translate it into future tense i kill the man sardar says; you go to jail hhh

Microsoft looking for New Chairman!

2009-09-18T02:06:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun an Indian (Mumbai) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave.

2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says 'Kaisa hai re tu'

The other candidate answers 'Accha hai re'

Three friends

2009-09-18T01:32:00.001-07:00

Three Khoja friends meet after many years.

Two of them have just returned from spending some years in the new motherland, Canada .

The first one says, "When I went to Canada , they nicknamed me Sad because my full name is Sadru!"

The second one says, "When I went to Canada , my neighbours called me Bad because my full name is Badru!"

The third one says, "I am never going to Canada , my name is FAKHRU!"

Perfect solution

2009-09-18T01:28:00.001-07:00

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

Dog "Ole Blue"

2009-09-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

********

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

********

Can you sell a dead donkey?

2009-09-14T21:05:00.001-07:00

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."

The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

COMPUTER - NUCLEAR & COFFEE

2009-09-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

NURSE NANCY

2009-09-14T20:33:00.001-07:00

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

Come let us

2009-09-10T22:28:00.001-07:00

A ten year old girl rushes to her grandmother and asks her, “Can I be pregnant?"

Grandmother, "Are you fooling. You can not be pregnant. Go and play out side."

The girl then goes to grandfather and asks him the same question and the reply also is the same.

The girl goes to her father with the same question and gets a slap on her face with a same reply.

Finally she goes to her mother and asks her, “Mama, Can I be pregnant?"

Mama shouts at her “You madcap. You fool. You can not. Don't even think like that."

Girl comes out of her building to meet her twelve year old boy-friend and shouts at him, “See every body has confirmed that I can not be pregnant. There is nothing to worry. You always worry unnecessarily. Come let us ......."

Missing child.. Good Joke..

2009-09-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No '

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ' came the whispered answer..

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME .. '

Darling

2009-09-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

Husband [:D] arling, my sweet heart I will be enjoying this sunday

Wife: How

Husband: I bought three tickets for the movie

Wife: thats great, but we are two, why you bought three tickets ???

Husband: Darling one for you, one for your mother and one for your brother !!!!!!!!!!!! !!

The Second Opinion

2009-09-10T04:47:00.001-07:00

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

What is knowledge

2009-09-09T22:45:00.001-07:00

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Send Men Immediately

2009-09-08T23:50:00.001-07:00

A Lady Rector of a Ladies hostel was fond of using English language though she was not good in English.

She was also fond of using very small sentenses to communicate. Always in hurry she used to creat lots if funny situations.

Once the electricity of her ladies hostel went off at midnight that too during the examination season. She immediately contacted electricity board's complaints office over phone and placed instant demand saying. " Lights gone in our ladies hostel. Send Men immediately. Girls using candles."

Best Break - Off letter

2009-09-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky....... .......

*******

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

A DRUNK ON THE BUS

2009-09-08T22:55:00.001-07:00

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.

He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.

In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.

"Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,

"Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!"

Hanging baskets

2009-09-08T22:48:00.001-07:00

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. ...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

I am just fine..

2009-09-08T22:25:00.001-07:00

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

I said:....... ......... ......... ......

Presence of Mind

2009-09-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,

So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.

Which place are you from?"

John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.

John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

Marital Woes

2009-09-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

*********

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

*********

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

*********

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

*********

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

*********

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives

*********

If u r married please ignore this MSG,

For everyone else: Happy Independence Day

*********

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

*********

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage

*********

Galfriends r like chocolates,

Taste gud anytime.

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Wife r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice

*********

Man receives telegram: Wife deadshould be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

*********

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

*********

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*********

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

*********

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

*********

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

Prostitute Parrots

2009-09-08T21:43:00.001-07:00

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

lie detector robot

2009-09-08T21:41:00.001-07:00

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once , but three times.

Money Back

2009-09-08T21:26:00.001-07:00

Two deaf guys are trying to buy some condoms, but the pharmacist does not read sign.

Frustrated they go outside to figure out a way to make him understand what they want.

Finally one of the guys gets an idea, goes into the pharmacy, whips out his member and lays his money beside it on the counter.

The pharmacist looks around to make sure no other customers are in the store, whips out his member and takes the money.

The guy goes out and signs the event to his friend.

The friend goes in to the pharmacy and comes out about five minutes later.

The first guy signs asking if he got the condoms.

The second guy signs back, "No, but I got your money back."

Sardar Jokes

2009-09-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India.

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What "which part"? Whole body was born in India.

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb

explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".

Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.

Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is "All India Radio!"

NOW THE LAST 1 ULTIMATE:

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Sardar: An old king's skeleton.

Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?

Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child..

Boss Kidnapped

2009-09-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in

loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened

to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to

douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened

to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to

douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

"About 1 litre."

Wife was cheating

2009-09-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Deal Under the Table

2009-09-08T20:40:00.001-07:00

A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice.

They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.

Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.

The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.

However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.

The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."

The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."

A Lawyer

2009-09-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road "Why are doing that?" the lawyer asked.

"I don't have any money for food"'the man replied.

"Oh,then you must come with me"."But,Sir,I have a wife and five children."

"They are all welcom".

So the family got in the lawyer's car and he sped off towards his mansion. "you're so kind to help so many people"'the wife gushed during the journey.

"It's fine". said the lawyer. "I haven't cut my grass in weeks".

BEST INTERVIEW ( READ, LAUGH & PASS IT TO LAUGH OTHER )

2009-09-08T04:21:00.001-07:00

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from

BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard

of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission

into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I

was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to

call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said

- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this

college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be

related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your

engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you

know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis

tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and

3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try

to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches

really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I

would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job

for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative..

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education

itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have

you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current

platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can

see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the

places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in

German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher

version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new

language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the

language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times

they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since

joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that

Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and

Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call

and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -

'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',

'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer

Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have

deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I

would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to

avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term

preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and

Europe. But considering the fact that there is a IPL in South Africa in

2009, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and

don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our

organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to

INFOSYS .. :-))

The Taxi Driver

2009-09-08T04:17:00.000-07:00

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

Seat

2009-09-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.

She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

The new age

2009-09-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens When we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'

Smart Investing

2009-09-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked: "What you gonna to do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot -! To a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Bon Free, Taxed to death

2009-09-07T22:13:00.001-07:00

A little boy wanted Rs 50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs 50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided to forward it to the Prime Minister as a joke.

The Prime Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs 30.

The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the Rs 30, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which reached the Prime Minister and it read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that you sent it through the 7 Race Course Road and those donkeys deducted Rs 20 for taxes"

Bank Robbery

2009-09-07T04:52:00.001-07:00

A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ..... and robs the Bank!...

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

"Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies ....."YES"

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO THE CUSTOMER HEAD and BANG!!!!...

SHOOTS THE CUSTOMER IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

The bank robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the woman: "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????"

The woman calmly responds . "No ... but MY HUSBAND DID!"

Japan Fast Indian Very Very Fast

2009-09-07T04:51:00.001-07:00

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.

Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Never Argue With Kids

2009-09-07T04:43:00.000-07:00

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

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On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother.”I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.” Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”"Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”A little fellow shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all You want. God is watching the apples!”

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A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

”Wow, Miss Collins!” one child exclaimed. “You look really different without your glasses on !”Another child piped up, “I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!”

Funny cartoons 2.... .

2009-09-07T02:49:00.000-07:00

Funny cartoons 1.... .

2009-09-07T02:47:00.001-07:00

Two lawyers

2009-09-07T02:07:00.000-07:00

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

$600 rebate!

2009-09-07T01:26:00.000-07:00

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the following:

''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany .

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''

CONFUSING ENGLISH

2009-09-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around Several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human??

13 . If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Go to your work now!!!!

Best women 2 marry

2009-09-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.

The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.

The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.

The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

Is Your Dad Home?

2009-09-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

Creation or Evolution

2009-09-03T04:50:00.000-07:00

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Load

2009-09-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

Banta - Naughty Humour

2009-09-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

Three men - an American, a Japanese and Banta were

sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beep stoped.

The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under

the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand."

Banta felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,

decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He steped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns

with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and said,

"Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

Newton plays Hide n Seek

2009-09-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......... ..He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... ..

Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .

Einstein says "newton's out..newton' s out....."

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton...... "

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....

That makes me Newton per meter squared..... .

Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!

Sardarji in Delhi

2009-09-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says "Yes".

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder".

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