Missing Wife Joke

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:


Man: I lost my wife (misty eyes)


Inspector: What is her height


Man: I never noticed


Inspector: Slim or healthy


Man: Not slim can be healthy


Inspector: Colour of eyes


Man: Never noticed


Inspector: Colour of hair


Man: Changes according to season


Inspector: What was she wearing


Man: Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly



Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????


Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo,  tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the man started crying…..


Inspector: Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!! !

Darn Kids They know everything

Mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.


"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."


"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,

"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."


Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"


The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."


Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."


The mother is surprised and asks,

"How did you find that out?


"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."


The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"


"And," the little girl says triumphantly,

"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."


"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an ' F ' in sex."

Little Johnny the Smart Salesman

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. 


Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."


"Very good," said the teacher. 





Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."


"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.


"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"


"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'


Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

LITTLE JOHNNY AND PROPER GRAMMAR

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a  show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father  bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."


"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little  Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.


"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was  pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*** beautiful!"

Sex Life

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.


Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.


Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window".

A Nice Story about Love

A Nice Article about Love
-by Swami Vivekananda

 I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me.


Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.


This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... And just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .

For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."

Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....

Life is beautiful!!!  Live it !!!

Shit, I missed

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.




The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."


A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

It could have been worse

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''


His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.


So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.





Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''


And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''


Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''


Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''


Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Clinton`s secret box

Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th Anniversary. All 25 years Bill has kept a large box under his side of the bed. He asked Hillary never to look in his box, and so she obeyed. But, on the morning of their 25th, she couldn`t stand the suspense any longer. She opened the box and there were three empty beer cans and $1800 cash. She closed the box and put it back.


At dinner, she looks to Bill and says, "Bill, I never looked in your box all 25 years, but I had to look today. The suspense was killing me. Though, I`m confused. Why three beer cans and $1800?"


He looks at her a few moments then tells her. "Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I kept an empty beer can."


Hillary still looks puzzled." Ok Bill, I know the three times you were unfaithful. I`m hurt but that`s over with, But why $1800?"


Bill says," Well, every time the box got full, I went to recycling and kept the money."

Black eyes

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."




The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Welcome to America

எப்பூடி….

மாடு போல சின்னதா இருக்கும்! ஆனா அது மாடு இல்ல! அது என்ன?

தெரியலையா?
அது கண்ணுக் குட்டி! கடவுளே ஏன் என்னை இவ்வளவு அறிவாளியாப் படைச்சே?

எதுக்காக இந்தியா பூராவும், போஸ்ட் மேன் போட்ருக்காங்க?
ஏன்னா போஸ்ட் வுமன் போட்டா டெலிவரி ஆக பத்து மாதம் ஆகும்.

தண்ணில இருந்து ஏன் மின்சாரம் எடுக்கிறார்கள்?
அப்படி எடுக்கவில்லை என்றால் குளிக்கும்போது ஷாக் அடிக்கும்.

தினமும் உன் மனைவிக்கு பூ வாங்கிட்டுப் போறியே.. அவ்வளவு பாசமா மனைவி மேல?
மாப்ளே! பாசம் மனைவி மேலே இல்லடா... பூக்காரி மேல!

டீச்சர்: மகாகவி பாரதி தெரியுமா?
சார். மகா, கவி, பாரதி மூணு பேருமே செம பிகர்!

யார் டைம் நமக்காக காத்திருக்காது என்று சொன்னது?

கடிகாரத்தில் பேட்டரியை எடுத்துவிட்டுப் பாருங்கள்! டைம் எப்போதும் உங்களுக்காக காத்திருக்கும். தின்க் டிபறேன்ட்லி!!



இன்பத்திலும் சிரிங்க! துன்பத்திலும் சிரிங்க! எல்லா நேரமும் சிரிங்க! அப்பத்தான் நீங்க
லூசுன்னு எல்லாரும் நம்புவாங்க!!



ஏன் பாட்டி என் மேல இவ்வளவு பாசமா இருக்க?
நீதாண்டா பேராண்டி நாளைக்கு எனக்கு கொல்லி போடணும்!
போ பாட்டி! எனக்கு நாளைக்கு ஸ்கூல் இருக்கு! இன்னைக்கே கொல்லி வச்சுரவா?



பஸ் ரூட்ல பஸ் போகும், ட்ரைன் ரூட்ல ட்ரைன் போகும்! பீட் ரூட்ல என்ன போகும்?
தெரிஞ்சா எனக்கு SMS பண்ணுங்க!



அம்மா! எதிர்வீட்ல இருக்குற ஆண்டி பேரு என்னமா?
சரோஜா! ஏன் கேக்குற?
அப்புறம் ஏம்மா அப்பா டார்லிங்குன்னு கூப்பிடறாரு?



பல்ப் - எடிசன்
ரேடியோ - மார்கோனி
பை-சைக்கிள் - மேக் மில்லன்
போன் - க்ராஹாம் பெல்
க்ராவிடி - நியூட்டன்
கரண்ட் - பாரடே
எக்ஸாம் - அவன்தான் சிக்க மாட்றான்! சிக்கினா செத்தான்!!



காதலில் எத்தனை முறை தோற்றாலும் பெரிய விசயமல்ல!
ஒரு முறை ஜெய்த்து பார்த்தால்தான் தெரியும்! தோல்வியே எவ்வளவோ
பரவாயில்லை என்று!!



அதிக நேரம் உன் அழகை கண்ணாடியில் பார்க்காதே!
உன் அழகைப் பார்த்து கண்ணாடிக்கும் உன் மேல் காதல் வரும்!!




மூணு பேரு ஒரு பைக்ல போயிட்டு இருக்காங்க! அப்ப ஒரு டிராபிக் போலீஸ் கை
காட்டி நிறுத்தசொல்றாரு!
அப்ப பைக்ல இருந்த ஒருத்தன் ரொம்ப கோவமா "யோவ்! ஏற்கனவே மூணு பேரு
உட்கார்ந்து இருக்குறோம்! இதுல நீ எங்க உட்காருவ?" என்று கேட்டான். இது எப்படி இருக்கு?



டாக்டர்: உங்க உடம்ப குறைக்க தினமும் நான்கு மைல் நடக்கணும்!
பேசன்ட்: சரி டாக்டர்! நாளைக்கே நான்கு மயில் வாங்கி நடக்க வைக்கிறேன்!!

ஹலோ! என்னதான் கம்ப்யூட்டர் விண்டோவ்லா உலகமே தெரிஞ்சாலும் எதிர் வீட்டு
பொண்ணு தெரியுமா?
------ பில் கேட்ஸ் ஐ விட ஒரு படி மேலே யோசிப்போர் சங்கம்.



அப்பா: ஏண்டா உங்க ஸ்கூல்ல ரன்னிங் ரேஸ் இருக்குன்னு சொன்னியே, என்னாச்சி?
மகன்: அத ஏன் கேக்குறப்பா, எனக்கு பயந்து எல்லா பசங்களும் எனக்கு முன்னாடியே
ஓடி போய்டாங்க!!

management & engineers

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.


She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.


"How did you know?"


"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."


The man below responded, "You must be in management."


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"


BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!

blonde alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!