Dumbest kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,

Then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Cheating

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

The Barber

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Sardar Jokes

Sardar proposed a Girl...... Girl said Im 1yr elder to you........... Sardar said Oye No Problem Soniye,Ill marry you NEXT YEAR.

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister....

Sardar on phone "Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now". Doctor: Is this her first child? Sardar: No this is her husband speaking.....

One day one boy and girl late to school. Teacher Asked Girl why were late, Girl: Sir i have lost my 1 rupee coin on the way while i am coming to school, i had searched for that for that i got late. Teacher asked boy why were u late, Boy says i am i am standing on that coin to hide.

teacher says; translate it into future tense i kill the man sardar says; you go to jail hhh

Microsoft looking for New Chairman!

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun an Indian (Mumbai) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave.

2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says 'Kaisa hai re tu'

The other candidate answers 'Accha hai re'

Three friends

Three Khoja friends meet after many years.

Two of them have just returned from spending some years in the new motherland, Canada .

The first one says, "When I went to Canada , they nicknamed me Sad because my full name is Sadru!"

The second one says, "When I went to Canada , my neighbours called me Bad because my full name is Badru!"

The third one says, "I am never going to Canada , my name is FAKHRU!"

Perfect solution

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

Dog "Ole Blue"

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

********

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

********

Can you sell a dead donkey?

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."

The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

COMPUTER - NUCLEAR & COFFEE

Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

NURSE NANCY

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

Come let us

A ten year old girl rushes to her grandmother and asks her, “Can I be pregnant?"

Grandmother, "Are you fooling. You can not be pregnant. Go and play out side."

The girl then goes to grandfather and asks him the same question and the reply also is the same.

The girl goes to her father with the same question and gets a slap on her face with a same reply.

Finally she goes to her mother and asks her, “Mama, Can I be pregnant?"

Mama shouts at her “You madcap. You fool. You can not. Don't even think like that."

Girl comes out of her building to meet her twelve year old boy-friend and shouts at him, “See every body has confirmed that I can not be pregnant. There is nothing to worry. You always worry unnecessarily. Come let us ......."

Missing child.. Good Joke..

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No '

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ' came the whispered answer..

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME .. '

Darling

Husband [:D] arling, my sweet heart I will be enjoying this sunday

Wife: How

Husband: I bought three tickets for the movie

Wife: thats great, but we are two, why you bought three tickets ???

Husband: Darling one for you, one for your mother and one for your brother !!!!!!!!!!!! !!

The Second Opinion

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

What is knowledge

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Send Men Immediately

A Lady Rector of a Ladies hostel was fond of using English language though she was not good in English.

She was also fond of using very small sentenses to communicate. Always in hurry she used to creat lots if funny situations.

Once the electricity of her ladies hostel went off at midnight that too during the examination season. She immediately contacted electricity board's complaints office over phone and placed instant demand saying. " Lights gone in our ladies hostel. Send Men immediately. Girls using candles."

Best Break - Off letter

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky....... .......

*******

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

A DRUNK ON THE BUS

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.

He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.

In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.

"Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,

"Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!"

Hanging baskets

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. ...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

I am just fine..

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

I said:....... ......... ......... ......

Presence of Mind

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,

So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.

Which place are you from?"

John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.

John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

Marital Woes

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

*********

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

*********

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

*********

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

*********

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

*********

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives

*********

If u r married please ignore this MSG,

For everyone else: Happy Independence Day

*********

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

*********

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage

*********

Galfriends r like chocolates,

Taste gud anytime.

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Wife r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice

*********

Man receives telegram: Wife deadshould be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

*********

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

*********

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*********

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

*********

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

*********

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

lie detector robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once , but three times.

Money Back

Two deaf guys are trying to buy some condoms, but the pharmacist does not read sign.

Frustrated they go outside to figure out a way to make him understand what they want.

Finally one of the guys gets an idea, goes into the pharmacy, whips out his member and lays his money beside it on the counter.

The pharmacist looks around to make sure no other customers are in the store, whips out his member and takes the money.

The guy goes out and signs the event to his friend.

The friend goes in to the pharmacy and comes out about five minutes later.

The first guy signs asking if he got the condoms.

The second guy signs back, "No, but I got your money back."

Sardar Jokes

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India.

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What "which part"? Whole body was born in India.

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb

explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".

Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.

Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is "All India Radio!"

NOW THE LAST 1 ULTIMATE:

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Sardar: An old king's skeleton.

Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?

Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child..

Boss Kidnapped

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in

loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened

to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to

douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened

to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to

douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"About 1 litre."

Wife was cheating

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Deal Under the Table

A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice.

They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.

Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.

The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.

However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.

The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."

The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."

A Lawyer

One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road "Why are doing that?" the lawyer asked.

"I don't have any money for food"'the man replied.

"Oh,then you must come with me"."But,Sir,I have a wife and five children."

"They are all welcom".

So the family got in the lawyer's car and he sped off towards his mansion. "you're so kind to help so many people"'the wife gushed during the journey.

"It's fine". said the lawyer. "I haven't cut my grass in weeks".

BEST INTERVIEW ( READ, LAUGH & PASS IT TO LAUGH OTHER )

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from

BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard

of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission

into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I

was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to

call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said

- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this

college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be

related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your

engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you

know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis

tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and

3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try

to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches

really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I

would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job

for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative..

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education

itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have

you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current

platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can

see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the

places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in

German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher

version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new

language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the

language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times

they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since

joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that

Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and

Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call

and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -

'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',

'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer

Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have

deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I

would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to

avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term

preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and

Europe. But considering the fact that there is a IPL in South Africa in

2009, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and

don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our

organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to

INFOSYS .. :-))

The Taxi Driver

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

Seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.

She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

The new age

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens When we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'

Smart Investing

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked: "What you gonna to do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot -! To a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Bon Free, Taxed to death

A little boy wanted Rs 50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs 50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided to forward it to the Prime Minister as a joke.

The Prime Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs 30.

The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the Rs 30, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which reached the Prime Minister and it read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that you sent it through the 7 Race Course Road and those donkeys deducted Rs 20 for taxes"

Bank Robbery

A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ..... and robs the Bank!...

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

"Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies ....."YES"

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO THE CUSTOMER HEAD and BANG!!!!...

SHOOTS THE CUSTOMER IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

The bank robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the woman: "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????"

The woman calmly responds . "No ... but MY HUSBAND DID!"

Japan Fast Indian Very Very Fast

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.

Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Never Argue With Kids

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother.”I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.” Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”"Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”A little fellow shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all You want. God is watching the apples!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

”Wow, Miss Collins!” one child exclaimed. “You look really different without your glasses on !”Another child piped up, “I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!”

Funny cartoons 2.... .

Funny cartoons 1.... .

Two lawyers

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

$600 rebate!

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the following:

''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany .

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''

CONFUSING ENGLISH

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around Several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human??

13 . If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Go to your work now!!!!

Best women 2 marry

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.

The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.

The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.

The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

Is Your Dad Home?

A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

Creation or Evolution

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Load

Banta - Naughty Humour

Three men - an American, a Japanese and Banta were

sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beep stoped.

The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under

the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand."

Banta felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,

decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He steped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns

with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and said,

"Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

Newton plays Hide n Seek

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......... ..He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... ..

Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .

Einstein says "newton's out..newton' s out....."

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton...... "

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....

That makes me Newton per meter squared..... .

Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!

Sardarji in Delhi

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says "Yes".

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."


The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."


The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder".

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